Monday, July 19, 2010

Focus,spirituality,my future...

Many people ask me how do I seem to be writing strictly for them? How do I seem to be reading their minds? I'm not really. I just go through all the same ups and downs,revelations,mistakes,hopes and dreams like everyone else. I just do it publicly.Sometimes it's not a good idea,because people take my kindness for weakness,or somehow equate my honesty about my feelings with being a weak person. I am truly not weak. I have weathered many storms in my ALWAYS blessed and highly favored life. How can I say that I have been through storms and have been highly favored? It's my faith in GOD. I just keep believing in HIM and I seem to always win no matter what the situation is. There are many things that have yet to manifest in my life. I totally believe in the LAW of ATTRACTION and Deliberate Creating. I do my best to think positive as much as humanly possible. But of course we all face challenges in areas of our lives that cause monumental stress. I talk to GOD ALL DAY LONG. I promised HIM that I would do my best every day HE sends me,to walk by faith and not by sight. I promised HIM that I would from this day forward,promise to focus on getting healthier,raising my son the best I can,take good care of my mom,love and be here for my friends and family,fix my finances and continue to work hard to better my career so that I can retire in 12 years..

One thing that I spoke to GOD about,was that I have given up on love. The one thing that has eluded me my whole life. I mean I have been in love,but I mean the kind that I have written about and hoped for for as long as I can remember. It sounds negative...I know....But it's not really. There have been only a couple disppointments in my life that kinda hurt real bad..1..that my career hasn't taken off the way I had always hoped. But I have to say that I am very Grateful for how far I have gotten. I think I have done a good job in the last 19 years. 2...that I have never found THE ONE! I know I know....Im gonna get all kinds of letters saying I shouldnt give up,I chose the wrong men,GOD hasnt sent him to me yet,just wait,blah blah
I just want to express myself today. I'm DONE with that. I have been hurt so much that I dont have any TRY AGAIN left in my soul.
I wonder how this is going to affect my music,lyrically..I mean I guess I will always write about positive love.
One thing I really want you to know,is that I am still very happy. Even though I havent seen certain things come true in my life YET,I KNOW they will. My career will blossom even more,I will get a GRAMMY NOMINATION,I will get all of my finances straightened out,and I will raise Jazz to be a wonderful human being.(He's already great little boy),I will enjoy my life...go on a real vacation for once( to DUBAI or Monte Carlo),spend more time with my friends,going out to dinner, etc..
I just feel like I have to give up things that continuously hurt me,in order to really experience the true happiness I desire.
I'm at the beginning stages of it now. And it feels like I'm free. Yes I will still flirt and maybe even hang out if I meet someone cool,( I LOVE MEN..esp. ones with muscles..YUM) but I will not allow myself to fall in love ever again. Not interested in the mind games,drama and emotional baggage. Only want to be friends.
I AM NOT BEING NEGATIVE. This is a positive thing. Believe me.

One fun thing that I am focusing on is my 1971 Mach 1 Mustang that I am restoring!!
Its gonna take a while..Im sure its a little expensive,but i really enjoy looking for parts online!! I havent decided whether to restore it just for me and Jazz to drive around in or to the level of trying to take it to that big car auction.

Alright,I'm gonna go take a nap..take it easy everyone. I love you. It's all good!!